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Facebook Funny Status

Kiss me and you will see how important I am.

If you can't find the key to success, pick the lock.

Forget love, I'd rather fall in chocolate.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive or impossible.

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.

I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.

Teacher: Who can explain gender discrimination with an example?
Student: Women can sleep with whoever they want, men have to sleep with whoever let's them!

Do you know the meaning of ABCDEFG?
A boy can do everything for girl.
Reverse the meaning of GFEDCBA
Girl forgets everything done & catches new boy again.

Never make the same mistake twice, there are so many new ones. Try a different one each day.

There are a lot of fish in the sea, but I think there's a hole in my net.

Want to learn how to dance?
Have a cold shower today at midnight, I bet you'll rock like SHAKIRA.

If you tell the boos you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.

If money grew on trees, girls wouldn't mind dating monkeys.

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

I'm not weird, I'm a limited edition.

An apple a day, keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Do you know what'd look good on you? ME!

When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be.. "I left one million dollars"

Add as friend, approve, write something on wall, intro, everyday chatting, ask phone number, messaging, calling, meeting, express love, make relationship status update, hangout, misunderstanding, fight, break up, unfriend, block. - THE END

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running with tattoos?

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough?"

Opportunity knocks for every mans, but you have to give a woman a ring.

I'm a Math teacher. One plus two equals me and you.

Excuse me is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get!

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

You look like a cool glass of refreshing water and I'm the thirstiest man in the world.

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings and driving me crazy.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Do you have the time? oh no, the time to write down my number.

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

The average woman rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Hi, I'm Mr Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.

Lovely days in my life, childhood days, school days & college days.
Horrible days in my life, only EXAM days.

Girls fall in love with what they hear.
Boys fall in love with what they see.
That's why girls wear make up and boys lie.

My girlfriend asked if I would swim across the ocean for her and I said, it's freaking 2013 so I'll rent a boat.

If couples who are in love are called LOVE BIRDS, then couples who always argue should be called Angry Birds.

Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forms. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

I have a date tonight, woot woot!
of course it's with the couch, pillow and TV remote, but it's still a date right?

Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister-in-law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time.

C.L.A.S.S. - Come late and start sleeping

Young love is two hearts with only one thing in mind.

A man typed in the search box on Google.
"What do women want?"
Google replied : "We are also searching.."

I'll be a billionaire once I'm done inventing this device that lets you punch people in the face over the internet.

If you stop tellies lies about me, I'll stop telling the truth about you.

The hardest job facing kids today is to learn good manners without seeing any.

Okay mom , you know I love you. But I can't accept your friend request on Facebook.

I wish I could Google, "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldn't have to go downstairs and be disappointed.

Remember, when she cancels a date she has to but when he cancels a date he has TWO.

A man asks a trainer in the gym: I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?
Trainer replies, Use the ATM.

Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to write on a wall.

Harush says if you want to be together, you have TO-GET-HER.

I'm a smart person, I just do stupid things.

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