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Hilarious Facebook Status

Thinks I feel great when i go to bed drunk. I wake up feeling crap, obviously sleep is bad for you.

I don't get it, all my life I was told NOT to write on walls.

Behave, what you do today will be on Facebook tomorrow.

Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry, there irritate each other, they tease each other, but they still can't live without each other.

Growing older is compulsory. Growing up, however remains optional.

The best way to look younger, hang out with older people.

I'm usually charming, nice and well mannered. OK for those who really know me, then you can just laugh now.

Don't you hate when the person you're Facebook talking never updates anything.

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure, it's called a CREDIT CARD.

I need 6 months of vacation, twice a year.

I am going to start cleaning my house. And by cleaning, I mean drinking beer and spraying everything with febreeze.

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

I am not feeling lazy, actually I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing.

You and your rumors have two things in common. You're both fake and you both get around.

If life give you lemons, squirt them on your enemy's eyes.

Well, we have a poke button. Now we need punch and pinch and kick buttons.

Facebook is a crazy house. People poke each other all day, have an imaginary pet farm and talk to walls.

I'm not getting older, I'm just becoming a classic.

I'm not 40, I'm eighteen with 22 years experience.

I may be old enough to know better, but I am still young enough to do it.

If you are reading this, congrats you know how to read.

When you're good, you're good. When you're awesome, you're me.

Thinks if Peter Piper picked peppers and Jack and Jill ran up the hill and Mary took her lamb to school, wasn't Humpty Dumpty lazy just sitting on the wall?

I bet that in prison, everyone's FB relationship status is set to "it's complicated."

Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

When we are bored, we get on Facebook then we get bored on Facebook, so we get off then 15 minutes later back on. It's an endless cycle/

My life, my choices, my mistakes, my lessons, not your business.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

That awkward moment when somebody is doing the dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

Doctors finally figured out what's wrong with a boys brain. On the left side, there's nothing right and on the right side. There's nothing left.

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition.

Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.

One day, I'm gonna make the onions cry.

You can not get lost on a straight road.

Life is too short, smile while you still have teeth.

Do you know the difference between a lady and a woman?
A lady does what she's told and a woman does what she dam well pleases.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

Out of my mind, back in five minutes.

Where there is a will, there are 100 relatives.

Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.

Before talking, please connect the tongue to the brain.

If swimming is an exercise, explain whales to me.

I'm jealous of my parents. I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

Can I take your picture? I love to collect pictures of natural disasters.

I have finally figured out why I can't lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, "for extra volume and body"

Even if you life your life as an open book, people will still wonder which pages have the secret messages.

For every girls without a guy, there's a guy without a girl.

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

I follow the quote, "Always be true to yourself" because I only lie to others".

You're beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

I am a star, so when you see me, make a wish.

I posted on your wall. No, not on Facebook! Look at the side of your house.

Money doesn't bring happiness but shopping does.

I'm not single, I'm in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

Don't you know it's rude to talk while I'm interrupting?

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