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Funny Facebook Status

If time does not wait for you, don't worry. Just remove the batter from the clock and enjoy life.

If school has taught us anything, it's texting without looking.

I hate people who steal my ideas, before I think of them.

All my life I thought air is free until I bought a bag of chips.

Try to say the letter M without your lips touching.

Excuse me, Please empty your pockets.. I think you stole my heart.

Silence is the best answer of all questions and smile is the best reaction in all situations. Unfortunately both never helped in interviews.

I used to like my neighbors, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

I love my six pack abs so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

Newton's law of love:
Love can neither be created nor be destroyed. only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money.

Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

I look at people sometimes and think.. Really? That's the sperm that won?

Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age, but will kill you if you forget their birthday.

How do people write an auto biography? I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

Admit it, you listen to other strangers conversations and mentally give your opinion.

Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me.

Girls work on their looks but not their minds because they know boys are stupid, not blind.

The definition of a beautiful girl is one who loves me.

I hate when people all of a sudden decide to be funny when i am drinking something.

Only fools fall in love and I guess I'm one of them.

God made everything that has life, rest everything is made in China.

Friday is my second favorite F word.

For all the girls that say, "All guys are the same", who told you to try them ALL?

Every girl deserves ONE GUY who looks at her everyday like it's the first time he saw her. And I'm the one GUY.

I think I got a fever, a fever of you.

I always give 100% at work:
13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

Please God if you can't make me slim, make my friends fat.

For you men who thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember that's where the knives are kept.

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

If a single teacher can't tell all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects?

It's better to fail than to cheat but it's better to cheat than to repeat.

Most emotional moment in a boys life, when a girl says, "Can you give me your number?".

Dear Google, please top behaving like a GIRL. Will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing and suggesting?

Definition of a human being: a creature that cuts trees, makes paper and write "SAVE TREES" on the same paper.

Thanks to Google, Wikipedia and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you guys.

I don't believe that comes to those who wait. Today love comes to those who flirt.

Dear FOOD, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.

It's funny how people judge other's mistake while they also do the same thing.

I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.

The question I have not been able to answer is "What does a woman want?".

Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it was meant to be. If it does not, hunt it down and kill it.

Dear MATH, stop asking to find your X, she's not coming back.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing everyday.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

You actually have friends? Yeah bro, all 10 seasons on DVD

Marriage is like going to a restaurant and order your choice from the menu, and then looking at the neighboring table and you wish you've ordered that.

Quit your job, buy a ticket, get a train, fall in love and never return.

My name is I. My problem is love. My solution is you.

If you wish to avoid seeing a fool, you must break your mirror.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Caution, Blind Man Driving.

Milk does the body good but DAMN how much did you drink?

If life gives you questions, Google gives you answers.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

Boys think of girls like books; if the cover doesn't catch their eyes, they won't even bother to read what's inside.

I feel like an Indian Jones, because you are the treasure I'm looking for.

Money can't buy happiness, but it pays for internet which is a pretty much the same thing.

I hate when I'm about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.

I speak two languages, BODY and ENGLISH.

How can I miss something I never had?

BRB = I don't want to talk to you
LOL = I have nothing else to say
COOL = I don't care

If life gives you lemons, just add vodka.

I think my iPhone is broken, I pressed the home button and i'm still at school.

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