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Witty Facebook Status

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

I hate weddings. Old people would poke me saying You're next. They stopped when I started going up to them at funerals and poking them, saying, You're next.

Are you free tomorrow? No, Im fucking expensive.

Why is there a show called When animals attack? It should be called When stupid people go near dangerous animals.

Before sex.. you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're fucked.

If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

Unless your name is GOOGLE...stop acting like you KNOW EVERYTHING...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

OH NICE, so you can update your status via mobile, but you cant text me back?

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

What's the point of a high school reunion? I have Facebook. I already know you got fat.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

When girls hack a friends Facebook account: 'I love you b*tch!' When boys hack a friends Facebook account: 'I LOVE D*CK IN MY MOUTH!'

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

Am I on facebook because I'm bored, or am bored because I'm on facebook?

Dear middle finger, thank you for sticking up for me.

Facebook needs a Drama of the day section in my news feed.

Why didn't anyone tell me the only people allowed on the road today are those with an IQ lower than that of the average house fly?

Friendship is like peeing yourself:::
Everyone sees it; but your the only one
who gets the warm feeling it brings !

Being complete and being finished are two different things. If you marry the right woman, you're complete. If you marry the wrong woman, you're finished. If you divorce the right woman, you're completely finished.

I wonder when a girl would walk up to me and say.... Can i be your girlfriend?.

Ladies heed this warning ..... 
For every male friend your man has, there is more than likely to be 2 female friends around. And they have NEVER met you for one reason...

It's funny; when you walk through a spiderweb, you instantly learn King Fu. 

For you to be happy you must follow the F.A.C.T.S. Forget the past Accept your mistakes Cry &move on Thank god Smile always

Women should have a hotline number for men to dial into for advice. The first recording should say, "Listen closely as our options change daily".

My p*** is so polite, it stands up so cute girls have a place to sit.

Treat me like a joke?and i leave u like its funny

If I were a teenage mutant ninja turtle, then I would always say, kaowabunga dude!

I've done a lot of stupid stuff in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January.

Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn't mean they want to get slapped in the face.

Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

Talk to me long enough and you'll realize why I'm single.

Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.

I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.

The worst thing you can do for somebody is something they should be doing for themselves.

It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty… it’s clearly almost time to order another drink.

Dear iTunes and Adobe, Would it not be more time efficient to just tell us when you are NOT updating?

I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked 

Twister. I can make time for that.

If I can hear you chewing, even with your mouth closed, I hate you.

Unless you can explain how you know me in three words or less, Facebook Friend Request: DENIED.

You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.

I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite

If you think you have me figured out, that’s hilarious because I don’t even have myself figured out.

It’s nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

I just ate a ton of Chinese food. I can hardly wok now.

My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.

Hand sanitizer is the best way to find invisible cuts on your hands.

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